Letting Go
by animeaddict2323232
Summary: Courtney's view on her break up with Duncan and the aftermath. Angsty romance about moving on. Rated K  for feelings of emptiness, but no language/ adult themes.


**I figured out pretty quickly that cartoon network was going to switch from Duncan/Courtney to Gwen/Duncan like halfway through TDA, so I've been working on this for a while now.**

**I hated how they made Courtney sound REALLY bitchy towards Duncan like half of the time with her rules. And the way Courtney broke it off with Duncan in TDWT so I decided I would write this.**

**I'm rewriting Courtney's reaction to Duncan/Gwen and then the aftermath.**

**I do not own any total drama characters, but my Courtney is OC.**

**Playlist: **_All Around Me by Fly Leaf, My Last Breath by Evanescence, The Day Has Come by Cheyenne Kimball_

**X**

**Letting Go**

**X**

I've always laughed at the cliché high school movies where the supposed perfect boyfriend cheats on the girl that he claims he's in love with. It was typical. Boy cheats on girl, girl's heart is broken, boy apologizes sincerely right before the happy ending, and the credits start to roll. As much as I made fun of these movies in my spare time, I wanted the cheesy, happy ending. I wanted to get the guy and ride off into the sunset with the guy I was in love with. Little did I know, happy endings didn't always exist. Happy endings were fiction.

Heartbreak, angst, sorrow, regret...that's reality.

I've always been a realist, one that believes in being practical. I followed the rules, rarely broke them. I've always aimed to be perfect in every way. I was class president, head of the debate club and the community service board, and not to mention a CIT.

I thought I would fall in love with a handsome man who believed in the same values as I did. An incredibly intelligent man who took command of life and whose confidence showed through every decision he made. Instead, I fell in love with an ogre...literally.

Not _literally,_ but his hair was green.

I cringe whenever I think of him these days. Duncan. I hated his green mohawk and all of his silver piercing. I hated his cocky smirk and his deep voice. I hated his arrogance and impulsive personality. I especially hated the way his muscular arms would wrap around me as he pressed his firm lips against mine...

I _hated _him.

And yet, I loved him at the same time. His animalistic personality was attractive to me. I wasn't sure why back then, but as time passed, I understood. He was my polar opposite, completely different. I was intrigued by how calm and unaffected he was when he broke the rules. I enjoyed his witty bantering and how we traded insults flirtatiously, ending with a lustful kiss. I flushed every time the word _Princess_ rolled off of his tongue.

He showed me a different way, a way out. I didn't have to follow the rules...I didn't have to be perfect. I could let my wilder side show, throwing myself out there for the world to see. My life didn't have to be structured or planned out. I could just live...

I feel empty, like I'm a ghost watching over everyone. I can't sleep, I can't eat...I can't breathe when I think about him...and her. I have become a total cliche, one that I used to laugh at. He has left a void in my heart that I can't fill on my own. I try to push myself to go out there and live again, but nothing works.

He cheated on me with Gwen.

Gwen, the sassy goth girl that instantly became a fan favorite. She was sensible, down to earth, cunning and sweet. She was even pretty...for a gothic chick. Everyone seemed attracted to her because of her likable personality.

At first, she was only just friends with Duncan. Gwen had even teased Duncan for thinking about me twenty-four seven. Somehow those feelings became something more powerful...an attraction. I had ignored those several rumors that claimed Gwen called Duncan "sexy," and a "perfect boyfriend" just to find out later on that they were true.

Apparently, Duncan was attracted to Gwen as well for Tyler witnessed the two kissing in the confessional. My first reaction was to kill Gwen, get my revenge on her for kissing my boyfriend. I soon realized though that my boyfriend was no longer attracted to me, but to Gwen. This brings me to the next stage of a cliche break up, weeping over him with a bucket of ice cream. Although in my case, I just wept.

_"Tell them Tyler. Tell Courtney what you saw," Alejandro purred, his lips curving into a smirk._

_I looked at Tyler than at Duncan. "Tell me what?" I tried to keep my voice calm and collected._

_Tyler sighed, his eyes downcast. "I can't keep hiding it anymore. I was never good at keeping secrets anyway."_

_"Spit it out, Tyler," I snapped at him, panic rising in my voice._

_"Duncan and Gwen kissed."_

_My mouth fell ajar as I stared at Tyler incredulously. My chest felt tight, like all of my breath had been sucked away. My lip quivered as tears formed in my eyes. I blinked rapidly, trying to mask my tears. My head whipped to the side to look at Gwen and then at Duncan. My eyes stared at Duncan, hurt showing. "You kissed her?"_

_His blue eyes were downcast and would not meet mine, confirming my fears. A tear fell from my puffy right eye. I wiped it hurriedly as I tried to keep from sobbing._

_"Courtney, I'm so sorry. I didn't-_

_I turned to look at Gwen, my face reddening. I was no longer upset, but incredibly pissed. "You're sorry? You won't be sorry until I kick your ass right out of this plane!" I snapped. Heather patted me on the back, but I swatted her hand away. I clenched my fists and squeezed my eyes shut. I opened them to stare in Gwen's fearful dark eyes. I lunged towards her, preparing to throw my fist into her stomach, but a pair of familiar, muscular arms held me back._

_"Don't. You shouldn't be mad at her, you should be mad at me," A husky voice whispered in my ear. I jabbed my elbow into his stomach, pushing myself away from him. I crossed my arms over my chest and looked at him._

_"Why? Just answer that."_

_He looked directly into my brown orbs and said, "Because I'm crazy about her." The expression "it hit me like a train" applies to me in this situation. I felt like Duncan had just slapped me in the face. Tears spilled onto my cheeks._

_"You don't...love me anymore?"_

_He looked away with a shake of his head. I felt like my knees were about give, that I was about to fall flat on the floor. The only person who loved me, the only person who supported me didn't want to be apart of my life anymore. My hand flew up to my mouth as a sob escaped from my lips. I could feel sympathetic faces staring at me, trying to reach out to me...but it made me feel even worse._

_He looked at me sincerely, taking a step towards me. "Princess, I still want to be in your life...just not as your boyfriend."_

_"Don't call me that!" I snapped bitterly at him. "I don't ever want to see your face ever again!" I screamed at him before shooting a dirty look at Gwen. I walked quickly out the room, tears spilling rapidly onto my cheeks as I hurried towards the front of the plane. I ignored Chris's pleas to stay as I grabbed a parachute. I swatted at his hand as I put the bag over my back._

_"I quit this stupid show," I finally screamed at Chris, who took a few steps back. I bit my quivering lip and continued to sob as I headed for the door. I felt several eyes on me as I opened the door and jumped out, free falling towards the earth._

I went home.

I went home and watched the episode where my supposed boyfriend and Gwen started heavily making out in the confessional. I replayed the scene a million times. It was like a knife, stabbing me repeatedly until I felt empty...numb. One day, I watched the scene and it didn't affect me at all. I didn't feel a thing. So I pulled out the DVD and threw it into the roaring fire that was dancing in the fireplace. I watched the DVD turn to ash as the fire crackled with victory.

I sat on that couch for weeks, keeping to myself until I was finally paid a visit by the head master at my school.

_"You haven't been to school in weeks, Courtney. I'm afraid that if you don't come to school soon, we will kick you out," The head master said stiffly._

I understood perfectly what the head master was saying, but I didn't care. I never went to school and then a few days later I received a letter that told me I had bee kicked out of my private school. I didn't feel a thing.

Every day, I woke up and sat on the couch, staring emptily at the fire. I lost a significant amount of weight because I would barely eat one meal a day. At night, I couldn't sleep...I only tossed and turned in my bed. This routine would be repeated every day.

My parents paid me a visit in May. Yes, I don't live with my parents even though they live in a huge mansion. I wanted to teach myself responsibility by moving out. Not to mention, I hated my parents because they hated me. I could get straight As and be the class president, but they always found a way to tell me I wasn't good enough to be their daughter.

_"Honey, you've lost weight. It's not good for your complexion," Her mother stated, while powdering her nose._

_Her father nodded stiffly as he sat down on the couch next to my mother. "And what's this about you not attending school anymore?"_

_"I have lost interest in going to school."_

_"Lost interest?" Her father screamed in rage. He stood up and approached her, holding her chin up forcefully. "You will go to school!"_

_"I think it's best you leave now," I replied coldly. He threw my face down and exited with my mother._

He was my savior. The only who caught my interest, the person whose lifestyle I envied. Duncan was the only one who cared about me, who loved me for being me. I didn't have to change...no strings. And he was gone.

I have nothing.

No motivation to go to school, to go to work, to leave my house.

OoO

An abrupt knock brought me out of my thoughts. Slowly, I stood from the couch and tucked my arms tightly around my robe. I opened the door and stared blankly at the man standing before me. He hadn't changed in years.

"Can I come in?" I opened the door fully and invited him into my house. I shut it before joining him on the couch.

"Why are you here?" I asked after a few seconds of silence.

"To see you."

"Why?" I asked flatly. It had been six months since I had last seen Duncan and I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him.

He sighed as he put his hands in his lap. Duncan turned his face sideways so that his blue eyes could stare into her brown eyes. "I wanted to say I'm sorry."

"I'm listening." I felt surprised to her myself talking, angrily in fact.

"I never should have cheated with you with Gwen. It was wrong and I should have broken up with you like a gentleman."

"Yes, you should have," I said angrily. For the first time in a while, I felt something. I felt angry at him for breaking up with me. For coming here. For loving him.

"And I don't know what came over me. The whole Gwen thing. She was just an infatuation that I had because you and I hadn't been getting along. She's boring, Princess. She's not you."

I felt tingles up my spine when I heard him mutter the name Princess. I scolded myself for feeling this way. He doesn't have the right to call me that anymore. And yet, I wanted him to call me that.

"I love you, Courtney. I've been in love with you since season one of Total Drama. You're all I think about. Sometimes you drive me absolutely insane, but I love that about you. You are intelligent, sexy, controlling, and stubborn, but I love you for that. And I love how you make me feel and how I want to be better around you."

My eyes looked away from his when I felt them watering. He always does this to me. My life is a complete roller coaster with him. It's always up and down. One moment, I'm completely attracted to him and his arrogance and then I hate him for it. I feel like I'm flying one moment and then I feel like my heart has been stomped on by a crowd of angry people. I couldn't handle it anymore...

"I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love you...and I want you back."

Silence.

"Princess?"

"I don't know what to say," I said quietly, looking at the ground.

"Anything...say something..." He pleaded, his arm grazing mine. I looked down at it numbly.

I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Duncan, I love you too." His lips curved into a smile and his eyes lit up.

"But we can't do this. I won't do this to myself. Do you know what I've been doing ever since you broke up with me? I haven't left this house, unless I had to get food. I was kicked out of school. I've been staring at this stupid fire for months now! Because of you. You're the only thing in my life that I looked forward to...But now...now when I look at you, I can only see her. And that's not going to change, Duncan.

"Princess, please."

I felt a stab in the stomach when I heard him plead. I stood up from the couch and walked to the front door. I opened it and waited for him to exit. "It would be best if you would leave now."

"Princess? I'm sorry." Duncan said with a sad smile as he walked out the door.

"I know."

I took one last look at his green mohawk hair as I watched him drive way. I closed the door and slid down it until I was sitting. I pressed my back against the door and hugged my knees. I shut my eyes as tears poured out for the last time. Tears that meant starting over, anew.

"I love you, Duncan."

I was in love with me, completely. Just seeing him makes my heart beat rapidly, but I couldn't do this to myself. I wasn't sure what kind of a future Duncan and I could have together. I needed some time to heal, to be on my own. I haven't been on my own in years and I could use it. I needed to find myself, who I really was. And Duncan couldn't help me do that.

So I let him go.

OoO

"The transcripts seem to all be here. Congrats, Courtney. Welcome to Harvard."

I smiled affectionately at the man before shaking his hand. "It's an honor, sir."

It's been a year since I last saw Duncan. I broke things off with him because at that time, it was the right thing to do. I still stand by my decision. Breaking up with Duncan has made me stronger, as corny as it sounded. I learned to stand on my own. I got accepted back into my private school and became the student leader of the school. I was accepted in Harvard Law School all by myself. I didn't need friends or my unloving parents. I accomplished my goal to get into Harvard on my own.

And it _felt _good.

I used to say that Duncan was the only thing I lived for. The only one who continually pushed me to be myself. I can now say that, I've done it by myself. I can say that I'm strong...that I'm not week. I'm becoming a woman. I don't need a man to stand by me.

These thoughts ran through my head as I walked through Harvard's campus. I looked down at my schedule just when a person collided into me. I fell to the ground, my books sprawling all over the place. I rubbed my head with a groan. My eyes narrowed as I turned to see who had bumped into me. My eyes widened and my cheeks flushed.

"Sorry." I blurted out as he picked up my books and helped me up.

"My apologies. I bumped into you," The handsome brunette stated sheepishly with a grin.

"I'm Courtney," I said, offering my hand for him to shake. He shook it with a smile.

"Matt. Guess I'll be seeing you around?"

"I guess so," I said with a smile as I shook his hand. I watched him walk towards the science wing in awe. I scolded myself for grinning so widely.

But _damn,_ he was cute.

**X**

**I thought I would end it there.**

**So much for Courtney not wanting a man hehe.**

**I'll have everyone know that I am a Duncan/Courtney fan and hope to write some fics in the future revolving this couple. I just had this idea after seeing Courtney's actual reaction to the break up and wanted to change it up.**

**Review?**

**Anime**


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